What do you want?

HeadshotIn a recent peer counseling session, I was rambling on about oh…the current frustrations of my life.  “And this person did this, and that person did that and oh this was awful and that was so hard.  Blah, blah, blah.”  As my counselor stared deeply into me with his fullest loving attention, eventually a window of silence appeared through the banter and he filled it with a question, “What do you want?”


Despite my often asking this same poignant question to who knows how many people in my lifetime, I was immediately taken aback.  “How dare he ask me that!”  There was of course a clear desire in my mind, but who was he to think I would actually share it with him!?   So I kept it to myself and instead of sharing my deep dark secret, I contorted my body and face and said, “Oh….I don’t know! Uh…..er….blah, blah, blah.”  It would have been so simple to have just asked for that hug, no?  Well NO, because then he might actually hug me and then all those tears may erupt and well, that would just be awkward!  So, instead I continued on with my, “Blah, blah, blah.” about what is bothering me in my life and, “blah, blah, blah,” and “blah, blah, blah.”


Well, this very well seasoned peer counselor friend of mine had the audacity to ask me this question 3 times in the course of our 45min session!  “What do you want?”  Every time it was asked, something new popped into my head and every time I thought, “How dare he!”  It wasn’t until the 3rd time that I remembered, “Oh right!  I am not hiding from him; I am hiding from myself!  He is here to facilitate my getting to know ME better.”  Oh…right…..ok……ugh……so I mustered up all my courage and I dove deep within myself to find a small timid shy (yes I know…no one believes I have shy voices) voice cracking through the deepest parts of me like a new Ohia tree breaking through dry dense black lava.  What that voice said to me and what I allowed to whisper through my lips was, “I want pleasure.”  Another voice quickly countered with, “Pleasure!??  Huh!!??  What!??  Nooooo!!!  I am practical!  There is no room for pleasure in practical.  You can’t say that!  That must be wrong!”


Some part of me was very uncomfortable, huh?   My practical self really wanted me to focus on it, instead of this new Ohia tree of wisdom that had just peeked its head through the hard lava.  With decades of practicing this stuff I knew better, so instead of buying into the distraction, I focused closer on this new sprout of knowledge growing from deep within me.  I asked for clarification and waited for its answer.  It returned to me a very practical gem of clarity, “I want to experience the pleasure of being with people as they connect to their deepest truths.”


Ah….yes….of course! Wasn’t this what I have pursued my entire life?  Wasn’t this, the powerful experience of being present with people as they connect to their truest selves, what I have always searched for?  With this one valuable sentence, so much began to line up.  This is why you see the same smiling glow on my face whether I am teaching Holistic Peer Counseling to a group, present with a birthing mama or working with a new family as they remember their love for each other through the noisy demands of parenting.  In each of these moments, I get to witness other human beings doing exactly what I was doing at that moment: connecting to their deepest selves and finding their unique expressions of the divine to bring forth into our world.  To me there truly is no greater bliss.

About the author

Community.Relationship.Intimacy.Sex.Birth and so much more. Do you know how to find yourself and the space between you and another? Nekole can help you find your way. One small warning....Nekole has been known to change lives!